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Horriblescopes
The First Two Weeks of June 2005
Hey ya clats! Here's yer new Horriblescopes. Hope ya like 'em, because yer a-gonna be stuck with 'em for TWO WEEKS because I'm a-headin' back West where I (sort of) belong. And I'm gonna be busy. Too busy to come up with Horriblescopes. Oh well, you'll have new Horriblescopes two weeks from now--if you live that long (and I don't die driving an over-loaded Budget truck 2,000 miles.
 | Aries (Ram): March 21–April 19 A group of sexually-frustrated nuns turn their backs on the teachings of Christ and use you as their S&M plaything. |
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Taurus (Bull): April 20–May 20 I'd kill myself if I were you, too. |
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Gemini (Twins): May 21–June 20 You interrupt Christopher Vaught while he's reading and he wrecks your body worse than a sedan at a Plasmatics concert. |
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Cancer (Crab): June 21–July 22 You are descended upon by the Christopher Walken Clone Army--100,000 Christopher Walkens riding giant geneticaly-engineered mallard ducks--and they feed you to their starving Mallard Beasts. |
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Leo (Lion): July 23–August 22 Gary Coleman will cause your demise when you ask him for an autograph and he caves in your windpipe with his cute and chubbly little fists of fury. |
| Virgo (Virgin): Aug. 23–Sept. 22 Virgo=Virgin. Hmmm...I guess you got AIDS from that blood transfusion. |
| Libra (Scales): Sept. 23–Oct. 22 School bus...guns...desert...religious wackos...Bad Idea. |
| Scorpio (Scorpion): Oct. 23–Nov. 21 I hear Iraq sucks every time of year. |
| Sagittarius (Archer): Nov. 22–Dec. 21 You're supposed to point the barrel of the gun the other way dummy (take a tip from Eddie Eagle). |
| Capricorn (Goat): Dec. 22–Jan. 19 I thought they caught that BTK guy...guess not. |
| Aquarius (Water Bearer): Jan. 20–Feb. 18 "Sharon Tate" doesn't even sound like a fun drinking game. |
| Pisces (Fish): Feb. 19–March 20 "I put a spell on you, now you're mine"! Oops, wrong spell. My bad. |