punkgoesmetal

www.churchonthursday.com
Various Artists

Punk Goes Metal

Hopeless Records

2000

Note to our esteemed readers: In yet another meager attempt to provide you with the most objective rock 'n' roll journalism available, we have taken the liberty of assigning TWO writers to review the same CD--each in possession of his own unique and, at times, opposing perspectives.

Felix: I have known Garren Hanon for many years--ever since we played baseball together on the Stidham Trucking Little League team with The Lord of Death himself, Sean Gibbons. It is important to acknowledge that even at that early stage in our development (11 and 12 years of age) we were vehement Metal Heads.

All three of us had painter's caps that were emblazoned with the logos of popular Metal groups of that day. I had an Ozzy hat. The Lord of Death himself, Sean Gibbons, had a Judas Priest hat. However, it was Garren's hat that was the envy of every pre-pubescent headbanger in Siskiyou County. His was an Iron Maiden hat, replete with two flaps that hung down the back (which Garren refers to today as a "Mock Mullet") and at least 75 Iron Maiden buttons, badges and pins.

We all wore our hats to practice one day (in place of our issued cranial attire), but the coaches got all pissed off so we had to stop. Rather than contest their admonishment, we decided to stick a few of our favorite Metal pins on our baseball hats. I had a Judas Priest Unleashed in the East pin on my hat. The Lord of Death, Sean Gibbons, had a hard-to-find Keel pin. But once again Garren seized our envy with a battery-operated Iron Maiden Killers pin that made Iron Eddie's eyes light up.

One sad summer day, while The Lord and I were at Ringe Pool, we saw Garren in a mixed state of melancholy and rage. Someone had stolen his Iron Maiden hat replete with the "Mock Mullet" and at least 75 buttons, badges and pins from Ringe Pool. We had to console him for many hours (it is still a delicate topic of conversation for him).

What you are about to read was composed separately by Garren and myself, in individual notebooks, while we listened to this CD in its entirety without a word spoken between us during our review segments.

Garren: "Pops" Thursday done stood me up again! That bastard! I could have been out getting a job that pays today. We were supposed to review the Fearless Records compilation titled Punk Goes Metal together--a quasi-Siskel-and-Ebert thing. What sucks is Pops "Silver Tongue" Thursday smooth-talked him way into "borrowing" this CD from Metal Mike Schaus, who had procured it that very day! He (Metal Mike) was very reluctant, but relented as Felix "Soothsayer" Thursday moved Mike with his words. Now Pops ain't here and I have Metal Mike's CD! This ain't cool. If he knew where I lived, he would come out and kick my ass and shove his tattoo-clad arm down my throat and pull out my gall bladder as an interest payment for being late. As it is I will never be trusted again due solely to one Felix "Slack Ass" Thursday.

Hey! Felix is here. Let us begin the Metal.

(The following tracks are rated using one to five Devil Horns)

Divit "Breakin' the Law" (originally performed by Judas Priest)

Garren: I thought this was No Use For A Name! You go Divit! I like this rendition of the Priest. I can just feel my 6th grade mullet growin', bro. Any band doing Priest gets a fist shake from me. Divit punked it up. To me that's the point of covering Metal songs. I give it 3 Devil Horns.

Felix: Somehow Divit have managed to transcend the utterly inane subject matter of this (now) classic Priest track from British Steel and make the lyrics sound meaningful. A good--though predictable--choice. 4 Devil Horns.

Jughead's Revenge "Talk Dirty to Me" (originally performed by Poison)

Garren: Poor Poison. They not only helped Warrant and Skid Row ruin Metal but influenced Jughead's Revenge to cover one of their pathetic songs. Well done though, I laughed. I laughed more at seeing C.C. Deville clean and sober. He was more annoying than David Lee Roth at the MTV Video Music Awards when he was pissing off the rest of Van Halen. 1 Devil Horn.

Felix: A bad song is a bad song is a bad song! No matter who records it. I think I even prefer Poison's version. I Devil Horn.

AFI "My Michelle" (originally performed by Guns 'N' Roses)

Garren: I don't like GNR in the first place and I thought/think "My Michelle" sucks. AFI gets minus one Devil Horn for not doing "Civil War" and plus one Devil Horn for having a big mean AFI shirt-wearing dude hit obnoxious Mark in Ashland, OR during a Conspiracy concert. Total Devil Horns: 0.

Felix: Hearing "My Michelle" again takes me back to the Siskiyou County Fair circa 1988 where every crank-induced carny from the one who runs the Zipper to the one hawking his wares at the air-brush booth, would be blasting Appetite for Destruction. I can't say that those are fond recollections--in fact, they're quite deplorable. Anyway, AFI does an okay job of this but in now way spectacular. 2 Devil Horns.

A New Found Glory "Heaven Isn't Too Far Away" (originally performed by Warrant)

Garren: A New Found Glory is a good band. They took a crappy Warrant song and made it cool. I hate Warrant but got misty-eyed when I listened to this rendition. I'm your biggest fan ANFG. Good rating for the "Whoah, Whoahs" and the faux live cheering. 3 and 1/2 Devil Horns.

Felix: I was expecting worse from the cheesy intro. A consistent rendition of a Warrant song--a step up from the original even. 4 Devil Horns.

Strung Out "Bark at the Moon" (originally performed by Ozzy Osbourne)

Garren: Strung Out kicks ass all over this land! I wish that I was in Strung Out so I could feel that coolness. My wish is to have a band cover "Mr. Crowley". Felix loves Ozzy. Ask him about his Ozzy painter's cap he had in 1983. Did I mention that I love Strung Out? I am a biased bastard! 5 Devil Horns.

Felix: Ozzy is an obvious choice but at least they didn't do fucking "Crazy Train". In fact, "Bark at the Moon" is one of the more obscure Ozzy "hits". It's also one of my favorites. Strung Out kicks ass on this. A slight departure from the original. They could have donea great version of "Flying High Again". 5 Devil Horns.

The Ataris "I Remember You" (originally performed by Skid Row)

Garren: Please stop this bad recollection madness! 99% of kids in the 50's didn't wear Poodle Skirts and white t-shirts! Don't remember crap that sucked or wasn't really cool during that era. Damn it, here we go with a Skid Row cover! I'm losing my regular Coors-from-a-can buzz. The Ataris did a good cover of a crappy song. Kids, don't remember Sebastian Bach fondly. Yeah, Sebastian, I remember you! You girly hair-flicking pseudo pot-loving has-been. Sebastian wanted to be a latterday Stephen Pearcy but couldn't pull it off. Sebastian Bach gets negative 10 Devil Horns or 10 Devil Horns in the ass! The Ataris get 1 Devil Horn for being good.

Felix: Godammit, Skid Row! The Ataris sound like they enjoy playing this sucky song way too much. My aversion to Skid Row aside, I must give credit to The Ataris for producing the most passionate rendition on this disc so far. 5 Devil Horns.

Link 80 "Harvester of Sorrow" (originally performed by Metallica)

Garren: Link 80? Hmm, not old enough to really understand this era of Metallica! Lil' bastards were in 4th grade when we were drinking Jagermeister and regular Coors in a can to Metallica. All Metallica albums from Kill 'Em All to ...And Justice for All were priority party albums in 1989/1990 as well as AC/DC up to For Those About To Rock. Coors, Metallica, 4x4s, AC/DC...all Yreka staples. But Link 80? Come on guys. Nice try but even though you did an above average job, I can't condone this behavior or the use of horns (not Devil Horns) in a Metallica song. This era of Metallica was still steeped in anti-establishment, anti-record biz, anti-cowboy boot and anti-video. Metallica has long embraced the "biz", cowboy boots, and big $ videos. Don't ruin my drunken high school memories with this. I give this 1.2 Devil Horns--the Metric System is as un-American and arcane as this version of "Harvester of Sorrow".

Felix: I am not liking this. Now I am liking this even less. This is very irritating. Is there a car alarm going off outside of Garren's house or is that Link 80's horns? Horns and Metallica do not go together (not brass horns anyway...Devil Horns do, of course). I need James Hetfield replete with his Cowardly Lion mane. I need what's-his-dick, the drummer, with his headband-wearing gaping hole of a mouth. I need Jason Newsted and his outdated long on top/shaved on the sides hair. I don't need Kirk Hammett, though--I can frequent any local music store if I wish to encounter his like. What I'm trying to say is that I need the (almost) complete Metallica (referred to simply as 'Tallica up in Siskiyou County). I do not need Link 80's lame horns. I do not need their awful rendering of this song that I never liked that much in the first place. 1 Devil Horn.

Dynamite Boy "T.N.T." (originally performed by AC/DC)

Garren: One hundred Devil Horns! Boys (or Boy) you done yo'self a good thang. AC/DC will always earn a good rating with me, but you went the extra Metal mile by doing a Bon Scott era tune and one of my personal favorites. I am smitten with Dynamite Boy. You won me over boys--again. 100 Devil Horns--little Punx take heed, AC/DC with Bon Scott rules!

Felix: This is my favorite AC/DC song. This is an okay rendition by Dynamite Boy, but I can't hear anyone but Bon Scott sing the old stuff and really cop to liking it (well, except if I heard Marty from Bracket do it. I'll give 'em credit for choosing it (even if the "Oi" part makes it a no-brainer) and not totally massacring it--but that's all. 2 Devil Horns.

Death By Stereo "Little Fighter" (originally performed by White Lion)

Garren: Good for "Wholesome Metal" you DBS! I liked White Lion and their brand of tame, radio-conscious, technically-correct, sensitive Metal. It appears you do too. You boys done a real good job here! My friend Abe Nesbitt from HBA would even give this a positive nod. I also would bet Abe could flawlessly play every note of "Little Fighter" on his Les Paul. 5 Devil Horns.

Felix: The word "down" has one syllable--not six. The word "crying" has two syllables--not six. The word "peace" has one, not six. But that is White Lion's fault, not Death By Stereo's. Adam Glidewell, formerly of Siren, will be chagrin that someone else recorded this before he had the chance to. I must have listened to the Cassingle containing "Little Fighter" and "When The Children Cry" with him 1,000 times. Nice guitar solo, though, so I give 'em props, yo! 3 Devil Horns.

Swindle "Youth Gone Wild" (originally performed by Skid Row)

Garren: Why? Why? Why? This sucks! Skid Row sucks. Swindle sucks. This just sucks Butt Rock ass! Swindle could have at least done a good or a mediocre job a Skid Row song like The Ataris. 0 Devil Horns for you! You swindled me out of joy, Swindle. Swindle is bad.

Felix: Another fucking Skid Row song. Who is Swindle? Who do they like SKid Row? Was the military behind the invention of gel toothpaste? Why did Leonard Nimoy never act opposite Lorne Greene on the popular Bonanza television series? One may only speculate. 2 Devil Horns.

Turnedown "I Don't Know" (originally performed by Ozzy Osbourne)

Garren: I don't know either. People just love Ozzy. I like some Ozzy, but some Ozzy is better than other Ozzy. Some Black Sabbath is better than other Black Sabbath. Why didn't these guys do some Ronnie James Dio song? I DON'T KNOW! Randy Rhodes diedand we can't replace him so move on. Damn you all to Kenny G Hell! 2 Devil Horns.

Felix: Another Ozzy song. This sounds like Sweet Leaf (Lance from Skitzo's Black Sabbath cover band). This is totally devoid of any originality. Ozzy isn't the most original choice of an artist to record to begin with so that should come as no surprise. Nice solo but it's not Randy Rhodes by any means. Uh, they're like the third band to put that fake crowd noise at the end of their song. 1 Devil Horn.

Diesel Boy "Looks That Kill" (originally performed by Motley Crue)

Garren: "Wrong snare!" says (identity protected). I say yes! Tommy lee would not use a high school band snare sound, but I like the drummer. Some chorus or reverb would have been great on the singer's voice to get that coked-out, early 80's Vince Neil sound. This was a good effort to do a Crue song, but something is missing. Total: 1 Devil Horn.

Felix: This is not Justin Werth playing the lead. How do I know? There's no flanger or wah-wah effect on it. Dave is really trying hard to sing like Vince Neil--and kind of succeeding. I thought Diesel Boy would have attempted a Kix or a Faster Pussycat song for some reason--I'm thankful they didn't. Well what-do-you-know, Diesel Boy stays pretty true to the song's structure and tempo. I prefer cover versions that stray a little from the originals, but this does mostly capture the essence du Crue. 3 Devil Horns.

Rx Bandits "Holy Wars" (originally performed by Megadeth)

Garren: I love Megadeth and Dave Mustaine. I liked this, but it is just too tough to pull off the Dave Mustaine/Marty Friedman licks. I'm sad this wasn't better, but I give them props for trying Megadeth. I could always put my Bassett Hound, Oscar Norman Nelson Hanon, to sleep to Megadeth. He really loved "Holy Wars" when he was little. 2 Devil Horns for nostalgia.

Felix: A Megadeth song...good luck! Wow, they're kind of doing a good job. Oh no, more horns (brass horns, not Devil Horns)...you know what that means. The only Metal band I've ever heard use (brass) horns to their advantage was Heaven on "Rock School"--I know you don't know who that is. 1 Devil Horn.

Ten Foot Pole "Love Song" (originally performed by Tesla)

Garren: I saw Tesla and Firehouse in '91 at the Shoreline and they rocked! Ten Foot Pole is cool but I was left wanting more. 3 Devil Horns for me liking Tesla and for Ten Foot Pole being cool.

Felix: Tesla! You sick bastards! Whoah, this doesn't sound like Tesla's version. I remain an adamant hater of Tesla. I'd probably like this song okay if I didn't know Tesla wrote it. Never mind...I take that back. 1 Devil Horn.

The Aquabats "Why Rock?" (originally performed by Leather Pirate)

Garren: I love the Aquabats, they make me giggle. This is a good job for a goofy Ska band...especially for a goofy Ska band doing a bad Adventure Metal song. This is one of my favorites on this CD. Felix should really give The Aquabats a favorable review for the blatant use of Adventure Metal, but he will surely be a cynical bastard. I give the Aquabats a rating of 5 Devil Horns due to Felix's cynicism.

Felix: Who in the hell is (or was) Leather Pirate? I remember Leather Wolf. Garren's car is named the Ass Pirate. Is Leather Pirate the missing member of The Village People? Oh no, that's Michael Houghton. Wait--could Michael Houghton be the elusive Leather Pirate? 1 Devil Horn.

--This insanely lenghty review was, again, composed by Garren Hanon and Felix Thursday. And now you know how Michael Houghton got The Elusive Leather Pirate moniker. Umm...if you even know who the hell Michael Houghton is. Of course, if you know The Elusive Leather Pirate, Michael Houghton, then you know he probably told you that he came up with The Elusive Leather Pirate moniker because he is a credit-stealing Fucktard. And, because I am not a credit-stealing Fucktard like The Elusive Leather Pirate, Michael Houghton, I do not mind giving credit where credit is due for the word "Fucktard" which I absconded with from Dawn at Movie World in Murray, Kentucky. Fucktard is hers as far as I know. See. I'm not a credit-stealing Fucktard like The Elusive Leather Pirate, Michael Houghton. Sure, I have adopted Fucktard into my vernacular...and as far as I know its etymology begins with Dawn at Movie World in Murray, Kentucky but I--unlike The Elusive Leather Pirate, Michael Houghton--do not claim credit I do not justly deserve for Fucktard (which is perhaps the best word ever). If I WERE The Elusive Leather Pirate, Michael Houghton, on the other hand...I would try to take credit for Fucktard because...I don't know why he does that. I guess because he's a Fucktard.