Unfathomable Miscellany
Garren Hanon
Interview #23 with Chester and Murray, the twin small domesticated
mountain cats of Project City, CA
...at the end of the last interview Murray stormed out of the
interview in disgust. I called him an indignant bastard and was met
with hissing, scratching and general loathing! The hostility was
dense--much like his brain. He called out expletives that I cannot
mention. I called him an obtuse bastard, but it fell on deaf ears. His
brother Chester licked himself with much delight as I fought for
composure. Chester told me that this was a regular occurrence and not
to be put off by Murray's lack of courtesy as he was an artist and not
one to be tussled with. Not sanguine with the poor interview I had
conducted, I spent hours researching the background of this frost,
ill-tempered quadruped. Exhaustive research yielded very little,
however. But I was able to delve deep enough to find a few nuggets
worthy of calling another meeting (more like a confrontation) between
us. The following is what occurred during that late night battle of
wills.
Murray, how would you like it if I scratched and rubbed your eyeball
until it became irritated and swollen?
Murray: If you ever do that again I'll piss on your face late at
night! I'm not kidding around here.
Is that a threat? If so I may be forced to obtain a restraining order
against you. Have I agitated you in some way?
Murray: Don't make idle threats. Yes, I am a bit perturbed by your
crass remarks.
I found out about your past. The time you spent in the animal control
officer's custody. You did some hard time, you bestial bastard!
Murray: You sick baseborn! Don't you people ever cease? A man of my
standing in the community? Things like that destroy the worthy name of
people like me.
I wouldn't have brought it up if you hadn't chastised me during our
last conference. Besides, your reputation isn't that flattering. You
are known as a manipulative, conniving, selfish, dwelling cat. You've
been accused of wreaking havoc on a nice family and taking advantage
of other housecat's passiveness.
Murray: Hiss! (He is seething at this remark.)
In actuality you have a lot of pent-up hostility and animosity towards
a household that took you in and saved you from the "long sleep", if
you will.
Murray: They hacked off my balls!
You were given a vasectomy, you ungrateful illegitimate!
Murray: I'm unable to perform with the ladies, damn you!
That sounds like a psychological dilemma to me. You haven't really
lost any of the normal functions of a cat your age, have you?
No. No I haven't. But it was heartless!
Isn't it true that housecats, such as yourself, are vicious predators
and are a very real threat to local fowl and small furry creatures,
too?
Murray: Yes it is. But I'm a fricken cat--it's what I do.
You killed many virtuous quail. Do you have any remorse for the
innocent birds you have so cold heartedly slain?
Murray: That's it! Interview over! You're sick!
Afraid to face the truth? You coward! There is no sorrow in your heart.
Chester: He just gets that way. He's an artist.
An artist? An artist in blood...of murder! He will know the fires of
Hell! He will experience eternal damnation!
Chester: Whatever. I've got to lick my rectum.
If you must.
Chester: Lick...Lick...Lick...AAAAHHHHHHHH!
This will conclude my interviews with these two cats. I was viciously
attacked by two masked rogues while getting in my car at Winchell's
last week. I know it was the very two twisted individuals that I had
been interviewing. There is no help support for the professional
journalist these days. No persons cared that I was the victim of a
violent beating. I hold no credibility with my fellow townspeople
after I had uncovered their dirty little secret back in '89. Therefore
I shall seclude myself from this cruel world. I may resurface but you
shall not know it is me because I shall be in deep cover. This is to
ensure that the truth is uncovered wherever there is travesty and no
justice. I simply seek the truth. I will keep my loyal readers
informed. Together we will overcome this oppression.
This article appeared in Church on Thursday, Issue #7, sometime in 1997.
