Unfathomable Miscellany
Felix Thursday
Squirrel Season (for Guido): A Play in One Act
Characters (in order of appearance):
Poet/Narrator
Miles Davis
Chopin
Christopher Columbus
The Lone Ranger
Mr. President
Cleopatra
The Ghost of Carrie Nation
Hank Williams
Jean Genet
Isis
Wonder Woman
Smurfette
Dracula
KIng Tut
Davy Crockett
Nothing
Narrator: Fall is Shakespeare weather.
The first leaves are falling
like lovers from balconies.
A Thelonious Monk tune jumps up and
down like a gorilla on a trampoline.
Miles Davis: So What! So What!
Chopin: What are you doing?
Miles Davis: Don't you hear good? Playing my trumpet!
Chopin: You call that music?
Miles Davis: What do you call it?
Narrator: Fall is Shakespeare weather
The world is coming to an end
(or maybe worse) for some people
Christopher Columbus: Row Row Row yr boat...
The Lone Ranger: Hey man, where ya headed?
Christopher Columbus: America!
The Lone Ranger: Well I heard it couldn't be done, but it don't always work.
Mr. President: That's why we have the electoral college.
Chopin: You call that democracy?
Mr. President: What do you call it?
Miles Davis: I want my money back!
Mr. President: I want my mommy!
Miles Davis: I want your mommy!
Narrator: This Fall it's election year.
I want my money back.
Mr. President: I've got a big election!
Cleopatra: You call that an election?
The Ghost of Carrie Nation: Some asshole won't stop talking about elections!
The Lone Ranger: Let's play Spin Doctor!
Cleopatra: Where's yr wife?
The Lone Ranger: My wife got hit by a car and my dog up and left me.
Hank Williams: The world is coming to an end (or maybe even worse)
for some people.
The Lone Ranger and Cleopatra: Some call it love.
Jean Genet: They said it couldn't be done but it don't always work.
Narrator: Fall is Shakespeare weather.
All lovers are committing suicide.
Davy Crockett to Dracula: Wanna play Adam and Eve?
Dracula: Who's Adam?
Cleopatra: Who's Eve?
Mr. President: I'm losing my election!
The Ghost of Carrie Nation: Some asshole won't stop talking about elections!
Hank Williams: The world is coming to an end!
Jean Genet: Worse.
Isis and Wonder Woman: Love! Love! Love!
Smurfette: It makes me sick!
Mr. President: Gay ain't natural anyway...
Dracula: It's supernatural!
Jean Genet: I thought you were gay.
Dracula: No, werewolves and mummies are gay!
King Tut: Watch your mouth!
Dracula: It ain't loaded!
Smurfette: Dracula's got a gun!
Isis and Wonder Woman: You told us it was The Lone Ranger!
Davy Crockett: She told me it was Nothing!
Nothing: Sure, everything is my fault!
Smurfette: Look, I don't know nothing about Nothing!
The Ghost of Carrie Nation: Me neither!
Mr. President: Me neither!
The Lone Ranger: Nobody got hurt anyway.
Narrator: It's Fall and people are falling in love to death.
finis.
