Unfathomable Miscellany
Felix Thursday
The Frightening Tale of the Tuba Villain
He liked xylophones and marimbas
but he was cursed with the tuba stigma.
So now he lapses into deep spells of depression,
because he must play marches during school band sessions.
God spoke to him: Tuba Villain, do my bidding!
The Devil also spoke: Tuba Villain follow me!
He did both.
The Tuba Villain sought to wrong each right
and right each wrong.
He donated large amounts of money to wildlife preservation funds.
He burned down his high school's gymnasium.
He drank whiskey through a red-striped straw.
He threw rocks from freeway overpasses.
He watched Captain Kangaroo in Korean
and Leave It To Beaver in Spanish.
He read every one-act play by Garrison Keillor he could lay his hands on.
He held himself hostage.
He began dotting his t's and crossing his eyes.
He declared himself bankrupt and, later, a genius.
He said "Only half a cup!" in only the finest restaraunts
which served only the finest coffees.
He wrote a suicide note to Santa Claus.
He pronounced himself Czar, and moved to the Czech Republic.
He smoked and smoked and smoked and smoked.
He drank gallons of Absolut vodka.
He listened to Verdi's requiem over and over and over again.
He voted for Jimmy Carter.
Then, four months after he 24th birthday,
he died.
They read Dr. Seuss at his funeral.
He will not be forgotten.
This appeared in Church on Thursday, Issue # 6, October 1996.
This is also about a real guy who I called The Tuba Villain who The
Artist Formerly Known As Trish has a crush on that sat behind us in
our Jazz appreciation class at College of the Siskiyous who played the
tuba and became very perturbed when our instructor asked him
tuba-related questions. I don't think any of the things I wrote about
The Tuba Villain are true. They might be. I don't know.
